My year abroad

It feels unreal, soon it's one year since I came to Australia. Last week I booked my flight from Bangkok to Helsinki and looked back at my time here. How does it feel like to be going back to Europe? This is bad news to those who might be waiting for my return, but I don't feel positive about going back. Yes, I miss many things from Finland but when I think about the actual, day to day life in that grey, rainy and cold piece of land in the north, I feel extremely depressed. It's been a rainy month in Sydney and it reminds me of Finland and not in a nice way either. Everyone has an equal right to Sun and I'd like to live in a place where I can see more of it, somewhere where winter only exists in the dictionary. It's nice to visit Finland but it's also nice to have a one-way ticket out of the country.

The plant in our bathroom disappeared one day 

I realized that at some level I don't have a home country anymore. I have been living abroad for several years now, like half of my adult life. In my heart I will always remain a Finn but I feel as foreign in Finland as anywhere else. I look the same as everyone else and speak the same language but I don't feel like I belong there anymore. Even in Australia I look like I belong here and speak the same language but I'm just visiting. Some time ago I read an article in a newspaper and learned that many people who live abroad at some point of their life sort of lose the feeling of having a home country. The original home country was described ”the passport country”. I can totally relate to this feeling. Finland is my passport country but I have many places I can call home. I belong everywhere and nowhere.

The year in Australia hasn't been anything I was anticipating when I first arrived here. It's been a year full of laughter, crying, sadness, happiness, joy, anger, all kind of emotions. We weren't able to do much of independent travel due to limited budget, so we had to go to places where we could find some volunteer work. This was a great way of learning about Australia but in a way it wasn't exactly what we set out for. We were running out of funds when we staggered to Sydney and happened upon fresh job opportunities. I found the best job I have had in a couple of years but then run into other kind of unhappiness and problems and now when finally I feel like all those problems are more or less behind me I notice it's time to pack-a my back and return to the start. Since the end of September I have been creating my own sort of reality in a city on the other side of the world and now I have to give up the spot I have build for myself and start from the beginning again. And all that in a country I don't necessarily like that much and don't want to stay in. I feel sad.

My place in the world, the bottom bed

During this year I have experienced more than ever before or maybe it just feels that way because everything has happened in such a short time. I will miss the exciting backpacker life that's full of opportunities. You never know what's around the corner, you just have to go and see. Luckily I will spend three weeks traveling in Asia before going back to boring Finland. At least there is something to look forward to.

Our room- home sweet home

All in all, I guess I will never find happiness. I don't possess a happy gene, I'm too demanding. I definitely need to have a lot to be happy. I came here to learn to enjoy the moment, to be happy with what I have but it seems like I have to repeat the lesson.